Saturday, March 03, 2007

Frustration

Definition

When dealing with a feeling, I usually try to get its definition first as a way to try and understand and then work with it.

Yesterday at La Placita and later at the Great Taste oriental restaurant in the Condado area, Ángel and I were talking about this friend we have in common, John, that besides being a resident of Friend-zone town as Ángel is and even myself since I can remember, he's going through a stage of frustration that both of us had experienced in similar ways as his concerning liking someone so much, but you don't mean a thing to that someone.

According to John, she has come to him to seek advice, to let out what she's going through. He has been her crying shoulder, and besides the fact of liking her so much, he also worries about her and would like to see her not suffering anymore with a man that seems to treat her as an object to have and control than a person. So his frustration is in 2 ways: frustration because no matter what he had told her to wake up and break the cycle of a problematic relationship, she still insists in being there, and also the frustration of not having an opportunity of her having the same interest as he has of knowing each other better to see if what they've been looking for could be found in each other.

Ángel was telling me that he had told John that he has to sort a way to let that someone know the frustration he's feeling. To come to a closure with her, for good or bad, but at least be sincere and at least end with the satisfaction of not keeping those feelings for himself and the regret of what could have happened.

In my case, I told John to stay away. If she has not given any sign of interest, then he should stay away, not be rude, but not dedicate time and effort more than what he has already given. He has been a crying shoulder for her, has been interested in her well-being, given advice and had demonstrated interest to some extent, but he hasn't seen any sign of interest from her. To stay away and not dedicate time is a way to make weak that one-way bond his having to her right now. Relationships and bonds grow stronger with time spent together. Then the opposite applies. To stay away is a way to drown, suffocate or dilute that one-way bond that provokes in John those feeling of frustration and anger towards her and the situation as a whole.

After telling our points, Ángel told me that the advice I gave John was dangerous because it could provoke her to get scared of John and not develop interest in him. That maybe she has not seen John with interest or demonstrated it because she could be very engulfed in her actual problem. That John should continue to be by her side, but not giving too much.

That's really the point that concerns me about that approach. Frustration and anger can get bigger and out of control the more you feel you 'loose' in a situation. Time, advice, caring... the very things that you then feel wasted and lost when things don't turn out the way one would have liked (or have dreamed of as happens to us utopian-dreamers sagittarians)... the more you give of them in this kind of situation the more anger and frustration you develop when things don't start to go as one would have liked.

So maybe there could be a happy medium... giving without giving too much. That sounds like a lot of self control.

Or be clear as soon as you feel in a certain way with that someone so both can talk and know what you can expect.

Or if there are no early signs, keep your distance, drown the feeling until you feel nothing. Then you can see and treat her as a regular bystander.

Ángel's point of happy medium and being sincere and letting her know sound OK, but requires a lot of self control.

I've tried it in the past, but think that a little too late on the giving part and I have given too much... when decided to be sincere because I couldn't stand it anymore, I have always been treated with the 'I see you as a friend' treatment. I have ended up cutting the person off completely and sometimes even been slightly rude. I don't feel good about it, just the frustration and anger were out of control. I don't want that to happen to me anymore and that's why I gave that advice to John, so he doesn't end up with those feelings that take some much to go away and he can protect himself in advance if there are no early signs of interest as he has demonstrated to her.

Ángel's advice sounds more like a middle ground compared to the two opposite points I've been through... John, keep in mind my advice, but listen to Ángel and hope you get not what you like, but what's best for you in the end... as I have always told you, ^_^

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